FIVE SUGGESTIONS to those who just broke up, separated, or divorced…

[1] First in line: DON’T DATE on the rebound. Or even try to hook up with a sexual partner just because you seem to be lonely, depressed or wanting validation or revenge—after you kicked him/her out the door or after you walked away. Sexual intimacy is not a drugstore prescription or a diet pill—although most people look at it that way. Provided one of the major reasons for your break-up is lack of romantic activity in the bedroom, finding someone to fix that right after giving up—is the stupidest move you’d ever do. You’ll know why, if you haven’t yet.

[2] Spend time with LOVED ONES: Parents, sisters and brothers, and most especially—your kids. Take them to a long drive, camp for the weekend, hike or sail, be together. They want to know what’s up, they are very concerned if you’re okay, and dad/mom is okay, too… Respond to their questions, listen—more than you expound your reasons for breaking up. This time, it’s not about you or him/her—it’s them. Don’t defend yourself or throw the blame on your partner, just make the kids feel and believe that it’s not their fault, and that, there is hope in the horizon despite the estrangement.

[3] TAKE A BREAK, alone. Travel to a faraway city or town—or country—where no one knows you. Go to a place where no one will make you feel sorry, blamed, angry, vindictive, vengeful, or triumphant—about your breakup. It’s a breakup and it needs to go… Reflect more on positive areas of your newly-acquired freedom. Don’t dwell on the bad stuff. Better be, go to a totally new world, new culture, new realities—and explore new possibilities, rediscover your inner peace and quiet. Don’t try to solicit confirmation or acceptance from a furious jilted lovers club that turns misery into a war of attrition between sexes and allow your fate to be a burning case study for sexual politics. Your case is simple but true: It didn’t work. It’s not his/her mess or yours. It just didn’t work, period.

[4] Navigate your CREATIVE humanity. There are a lot of wonderful things to do and accomplish in life than spend or throw it away by whining with a broken hearts convergence army. Quit weeping and cursing alone in front of a daytime soap opera with Krispy Kremes on hand or soak your midnights with a grainy b-movie, drowning your sorrows with Smirnoff. Instead—write a book, start a blog, paint a mural, compose an opera, dig up your backyard and build a garden, organize a band, produce a concert, develop a recipe line or throw a backyard party or tea afternoon for friends, think of a business, hold a workshop for kids, gather friends to a dance hall each weekend – do these with the thought that, at last, no one is there in the shadows watching your every move, controlling your decisions, arguing your strategies, or getting jealous with people around you. Most importantly, do something that isn’t a disguised attack on your ex—ie don’t write a blog or record a song that you actually wrote hoping he/she’d read or hear it. Come on, let it go! SNAP OUT OF IT!

[5] BE BEAUTIFUL, just the way you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you need to lose weight or gain weight, work up some muscles, cut your hair, fix your skin, buy new clothes? Be beautiful, be fit, be healthy. Bottomline, in whatever shape and situation you’re in, just be happy with yourself. It’s not Dr Phil or your bestfriend bar buddy or your patronizing neighbor or Jenny Craig or The Situation who’s gonna tell you you’re lovely or good-looking, it’s you. Life is cool, living is great—and love will be waiting for you somewhere out there. But don’t rush, build friendships, enjoy your moments. Be cool. Smile and say, “Oh yeah!” Live good, love good—and eat only good food.

THINGS TO DO when your internet connect—and Facebook, Twitter, all e-baubles—falter or conk out…

[1] It’s okay, things will be fine… TAKE A DEEP 20-SECOND BREATH, and heave—ahhhh!!! And then, think of all the good stuff and things there were before we all willingly—albeit entrancingly—severed our umbilical cord from life and living’s pristineness. Those days of yore when smoke signals were text messages, drumming or banjo pickings were ringtones, roosters’ sweet barkings were digital alarm clocks, and human yells across hills or over picket fences were Blackberry calls… Those days when social networking was a rollickin’ banter at Mr Robinson’s barber shop or at a basketball court in the `hood or at the Saturday evening benefit dance at the town plaza. Yes, things will be fine—hold that scream and drink Diet Mountain Dew. This is not the end of the world.
[2] There is a place called PUBLIC LIBRARY, you know that? Do you have a lib card? Yes, I know—most likely, you’d be queued with grizzly-bearded, homeless looking AA denizens, and you’re only allowed an hour per usage of public computers, and—okay now, there’s no porno surfing or YoVille games here… But this would also usher you around shelves and shelves of good books to read. Browse around, check out newspapers, Sports Illustrated, Atlantic Monthly, or Utne Reader—these are awesome reads, you know what I’m sayin’? You may even love the place! And totally quit the Net. You know what I’m saying?

[3] DANCE a chicken dance, run around your `hood a-la Rocky or Manny Pacquiao, with Bill Conti’s “Gonna Fly Now” on your headgear—sweat it out. You can do it… While running, say this mantra: “My internet will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon…” If that doesn’t work—uhh, well. Recheck your last cable bill or account statement. Maybe you haven’t paid yet obligations yet? Figure it out.

[4] What’s the point with staring at your laptop’s lifeless black and blue screen—when it’s not reacting at all? Do something. COOK! A lot of foul Friday night moods, hormonal imbalance, or just plain bitchiness are cured by an awesome, super-delicious dinner. So don’t sulk over a Facebook password that has been “compromised” (aka hacked) or an iPhone that isn’t part of mom’s monthly budget streamlining program anymore. Whip out that wok and attack the kitchen!

[5] MEDITATE… Close your eyes, slide to a lotus or crane posture – or praying mantis or brooding pterodactyl position, whatever fits you—and say: “Jai guru deva om… baba nam kevalam… praise The Lord, hallelujah!” Whatever suits you. Better be, go to church, temple, or kirtan convergence—and feel the communal vibe, the enlightening wavelength, crush all your hedonistic/self-aggrandizing paradigms with the immaculate sentience of life and love’s ethereal bliss, whatever rocks you, my friend. Voila! When you open your eyes, you may as well be a new lump of glorious atomic chakra. You may just say, in a super-low, meek and ahimsaic voice: “Ahh, what do you mean, laptop? Facebook, Twitter? I don’t see them in my plane of being… I am The One in me, the universal entity… jai guru deva om. Where is my hummus dinner?”

[6] Sweet, glorious animals—especially BABEDAWGS and KOOLCATS—are awesome companions, especially when you’re about to crack up by virtue of your stunning internet withdrawal. Unlike human beings, babedawgs/koolcats don’t really bark back at you when you start bitchin’ and cussin’ and all that messed up state of (in)sanity. They just stare back at you and may even interpret your bizarre actuations as an invite to play catch ball or frisbee. After awhile, you’d probably tell yourself: “Ah, look at these animals. They don’t need an email address or Facebook account to live or enjoy life, they are cool… I wish I am a babedawg myself… woof!”

[7] Engage in a CONVERSATION with any sensible/sensitive human. This, of course, is a temporary solution that applies only to those who don’t have health insurance for a shrink appointment or don’t have babedawgs and koolcats to chat with… A conversation may turn out to be really creative and productive, and maybe—just maybe—your conversation partner may be able to loan you a few bucks so you could finally pay your cable connect… right?

TEN WAYS that you could try to have a fighting chance near a man’s heart… (not necessarily in order)

[1] DON’T IMPRESS him with your new butt tattoo or wonder bra enhanced cleavage. Most likely you’ll catch his attention but not his long-term interest. Yes, some dudes are kinda old-fashioned swains and not really moved by too much show of skin or display of flesh… Let his imagination flow—that is sexy.

[2] Talk to him, draw out his emotion, SQUEEZE HIS HEART OUT. Most men find it painstaking—even mushy or “not-too-masculine”—to let go off innermost emotions and sentiments. What they usually prefer blabbering about are sports, some politics, how cool they really are, and how hot the lady who just walked in is… But that doesn’t mean they are all that “superficial.” Mostly, it just takes some patience to heat them up. All those macho talk that he’s into, those are just facades.

[3] KISS, don’t jump to the “other” calisthenics of sexual positions. Most men also want to look in the eyes of the woman he’s kissing. If you could get him to kiss you longer than he rushes for the jugular (you know, strip naked…) then he’s the kind of man who could probably give/receive love than some dude who just lusts for your body.

[4] Let him have his “MAN THING” toys, hobbies etc—if it doesn’t really hurt that much. Make him feel that despite him getting married or “snagged,” he doesn’t need to give up some of the little frivolous stuff that he does. I mean, if you could spare some time and dough on tanning machine visits and a few additional workout gadgets downstairs, why can’t he play some golf sometimes or collect some Transformers robots (oh yeah, they do that) and Ken dolls, uhhh.

[5] DON’T NAG. Witch-hunting is a no-no. Most men don’t like to feel like they’re in a boot camp or training facility or inquisition trial. Don’t anticipate mistakes or faults. If you love him, let him feel that he can consistently, perpetually change for the better… Love makes both become better individuals. Inspire and motivate.

[6] Be the gentle, HOUSE-CONSCIOUS woman—without being the housekeeper. When you go to the store, try to buy kitchen implements—it’s not that you are the cook, maybe he’s the cook, and say, “Hey, sweetheart—I didn’t buy that new Revlon because I saw this cool Emeril wok, and I know you like this… and I bought a dozen Sunburst dish detergents, too…” I know of some women who don’t even know how to cook/prepare an omelet, but it doesn’t matter—he will cook as long as he feels he’s cooking for both of you.

[7] Don’t buy his GUILTY PLEASURE beers. But don’t prevent him either… just let him decide. Don’t condone his vices but don’t make him feel so bad either when he does. They key is moderation, subtlety. It’s all in the dynamics of a relationship…

[8] MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. A lot of beautifully-spontaneous night of sweetness, sensitivity, and sensuality (aka SEX), have been snuffed out by little, irksome bitchiness. This actually happened—GF (girlfriend): “You are giving me these red roses, and 12 roses at that?!” / BF (boyfriend): “Yes… what’s wrong?” / GF: “You are insensitive! You just contributed to the murder and commercialization of plants, they are also living things, you know—just like us!!!” Sexual intimacy… keep the it low, quiet, dim-lit. Don’t start a political rant how Hallmark sucked, or condoms must be organic, or “Did you just bought wine at Wal-mart???” Come on… hold, touch, cuddle, kiss—linger, explore, navigate. Just shut your pie hole, and strip each other naked—to a Kenny G CD… wwhat???

[9] After a few weeks of seeing each other, dinners, and sleepovers (oh, it’s the modern era, okay?) it should be time to talk about WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. Some men evade this kinda “serious” talk, especially when they’re not really into commitments. But some men want to hear what you think or feel, as well… Are you just having fun with sex thrown in, or you mutually plan to take this interaction/connection to another higher/deeper level?

[10] Go with him to the bar, try to GET INVOLVED with what he’s doing, too. Don’t always nag as in: “You are in that pool hall because there’s so many hot girls there!” Instead try to be with him, play with him etc. At the same time, can’t he also join you wherever you want chill, as well? While you two do the laundry together, or go contra-dancing, you may also join hands in pursuing community projects.

--Pasckie The Dude

TEN MOST ANNOYING STUFF & THINGS THAT WE ENCOUNTER IN A PUBLIC PLACE…

[1] CELLPHONE TALKERS in groceries. I simply don’t understand why earthlings engage on freewheeling banters in enclosed public places (“Hey, I just bought a really inexpensive leather boots at Macy’s. It’s like, only $357—how awesomest is that?!” “Oh really, so did she break up with him. Oh my God, so he didn’t know what a wheelbarrow maneuver is?!? Turn off!!” “What, honey? Koolwhip? Do we need that???”).

[2] MOTORISTS who impatiently HONK HORNS on slight provocation. This is really silly. They think it’s macho. I seldom see a motorist who could excise 3 seconds of wait behind another vehicle at a go signal. What’s the problem, people? A lot of these impatience result in road rage. As early as 1997, therapists were working to certify road rage as a medical condition. It is already an official mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. According to an article published by the Associated Press the behaviors typically associated with road rage are the result of intermittent explosive disorder. This conclusion was drawn from surveys of some 9,200 adults in the United States between 2001 and 2003 and was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health.

[3] MOTORISTS who SCREECH tires. If they are not gangbangers, they’re homeys of Item #1: Desperado attention-grabbers. What’s the point? Angry with the road or just angry with being angry?

[4] RUDE FOOD SERVERS/waiters/waitresses. Let’s admit it. We tip really good if the server smiles like Meg Ryan, courteous like the Geico gecko, fast and efficient like Speedy Gonzales, and attentive like an erring kid who just broke the peanut butter bottle. But if your waitress/waiter pouts like a Donald Trump with a pair of Nancy Grace eyebrows, rude like a toll gate attendant with PMS, slow and clueless like a slug on hangover—don’t ever tip, even if you were dining in a New York City restaurant (where tipping is kinda obligatory, what is that?!)

[5] COUPLES MAKIN’ OUT or FIGHTING big time in public. Whatever they’re doing – swapping icky remnants of their last meal off their mouths or arguing over unpaid Netflix bills, this obnoxious and disrespectful actuation is just unacceptable, man! (that’s Cyd ranting.) Go get a room!!!

[6] HOLIER THAN THOU TV talk show hosts. Probably, it’s about subtlety and handling. But most of these talk show hosts reek with narcissism and BS. Many times they proclaim that they are just channeling the people/public’s heartbeat. I don’t think so—most of them have their partisan or commercial agenda. Why can’t they stay on the middle and just let the public speak? Their job is to preside or traffic or initiate public opinion, NOT promote and push their own opinion.

[7] NEIGHBORS who INCESSANTLY COMPLAIN of dogs barking five times. Dogs bark because they don’t talk like humans. So “barking” in babedawg language isn’t the same as we humans define the word. I don’t understand why we are so obsessed with pets but are so sensitive and touchy and upset when they start acting like animals. What if animals plug our mouths when we start yapping around like Glen Beck, would you like it? Just imagine how irritated they are when people argue so loudly…

[8] SUPER-LOUD, SUPER-ANGRY ACTIVISTS and religious bigots who judge and measure people from head to toe back and forth, up and down. There’s a thin line between advocating a cause and judging reality—so I am also working out ways to fight this obnoxious demon on my back. It’s impossible to convince and persuade people about a certain truth while we brandish a fire-spewing mouth. It burns. It’s more effective to appeal to the people’s collective heart and spirit if we do it benignly, anchored on peace and quiet.

[9] People who keep on TALKING (or yapping about) in CAFES (or venues) while a show is going on. I organize/produce shows and gigs—and also perform—so I am so sensitive and touchy about people not paying attention or simply don’t care (that there are artists onstage sharing some good stuff). The most that they could do is, as RuPaul hisses, “Please, sashay away… bitch!”

[10] DRINKERS who couldn’t keep still after 5 beers. The smoothest earthling (who drinks) is one who could still play it cool after 7 beers, can you do that? It’s a major turnoff to find drinkers who believe they should be understood or tolerated for a nasty girth just because they are drunk…

by Pasckie The Dude

SEVEN LINES that somehow confuse me…

YOU MIGHT think I’m talkin’ smack here, but I am stating facts or truths (at least, in regards weird conjectures and sweet fumbles that define my perpetually evolving great American “railway bazaar” journey). Believe it or not, when I am greeted with, “How are you doin’?” on the street (by strangers or acquaintances), I still response with a courteous, detailed accounting of what I’m actually doing at that time (“Oh well, I woke up at 6:17 this morning, had free-trade coffee, read NY Times, checked my Facebook for an hour, 17 minutes, and 35 seconds. Then, I sat down and pondered, what’s wrong with Katy Perry marryin’ this dude?… then, realized I needed to call my sister!”) Or whenever I stammer my silly island jokes and I get, “Get outta here…” I still meekly scoot out of the room… and feel so offended. The following, I purposely singled out those lines with kind of sexual connotations or subtext/s, or tell me…

[1] Let’s hang out and PLAY.
The catchword is “play.” But then, I can never tell what “play” actually meant… There were times when I stayed over in some of my female friends’ houses, had dinner, and played lots of scrabble and monopoly, till we dropped exhausted (after two glasses of red wine). In those instances, I slept on the couch almost automatically… and then, at the breakfast table, I am asked, “Don’t you like me?” So I meekly respond, “Of course, I like you!” (One time I was invited to do some gardening and “if it’s okay to play” with the water hose… uhh.)

[2] I REALLY like you!
What was supposedly a simple, uncomplicated, non-suggestive complimentary remark in a galaxy so far away—becomes a confusing invite and/or straightforward statement here. But I am not really sure, I can never be sure… are you? But then, it seems it’s a more honest come-on that an “I love you,” in most cases.

[3] You wanna STAY the night?
I never thought “staying” means sleeping in her bed. And “sleeping together” means sex. One time, I took a long overnight Greyhound trip to Adirondacks NY from Atlantic City—with a lady friend. Later, I was asked by friends what did you we do while on the night trip. I said, “We talked and slept together.” We did sleep together, shoulder to shoulder—and woke up together, as well. You know, what I mean…

[4] No strings attached but let’s be EXCLUSIVE with each other.
Apparently, we people don’t like to be in “formal/official” relationship trappings, right? Like, we don’t want jealousies, insecurities, arguments etc—all those corny boyfriend-girlfriend confections. Right? But we need to be sexually intimate when we need it… but then, we can be either jealous he/she might be screwing others or scared of catching STDs. So we say, “Let’s just sleep with each other, okay? But, remember, we are just friends… Do your thing and I do my thing.” Friends with (sexual) benefits, uh-huh.

[5] NOTHING SERIOUS, just havin’ fun.
So play the field… call me when you get “lonely,” let’s watch a movie, maybe cook together? Just having fun. Have sex, take it easy… just having fun. When it gets serious, fun over. Next!

[6] I LOVE YOU but I am not in love with you.
Why say, I love you, in the first place—if there’s such difference between “loving” and “in love with”? Or when it’s over—why can’t people just say, “I don’t love you anymore”? I think, when he/she just loves you and not “in love” with you—that’d mean, you’ve just become a DiGiorno pizza or Kings of Leon CD. God, I love that mozzarella! Oh yes, I so love Caleb Followill!

[7] Let’s HOOK UP.
Nah, I am not going to say it. At all!!!

--by Pasckie The Dude

SUPERCOOL GIFT IDEAS—for relations, family, friends (any occasion)…

[1] BOOKS. Really good old ones—say, “Of Mice and Men” by John Steinbeck or “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee, or kinda heavy stuff that has immediate relevance these days… I’m talking about, for example, a Howard Zinn book or futurist author Alvin Toffler’s trilogy on digital age, communication revolution, information overload, and technological singularity: “Future Shock,” “The Third Wave,” and “Powershift.” Or, maybe try neat easy-readings like a collection of Calvin and Hobbes or Marvel Superheroes Comics… Or, why not go for revered poetry in the likes of Pablo Neruda’s “Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada” ("Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair"), and although I am not necessarily talking about “Delta of Venus” by Anais Nin, cool erotica isn’t bad at all. (NOTE: I am strongly admonishing you NOT to dabble on e-books… or books read via a Kindle, or whatever it is where people read books these days, nah! Well, buy a Kindle but still—send the real stuff with a real book cover and real paper pages, guys!)

[2] A SPIRITUAL book. Whether you agree with me or not (oh well!), I believe that humanity has either lost or mixed up its concept or understanding of universal good and evil in the light of the current man vs machine “conventional wisdom” (if there is such a thing). Why not read back and reflect “the good book”—may it be The Holy Bible, Quran, Bhagavad Gita… The receiver may be an atheist, pagan, wiccan, anarchist, Taoist/Buddhist, or a DOC (Divine Order of The Cool)—it doesn’t really matter. Good is good, and bad is bad—but let’s (re)check things out and ponder a bit. Let’s look back to where humanity’s reflexes and responses were first anchored. Are you with me, Bob?

[3] A JOB. Last time I checked, unemployment rate in the United States was pegged at 9.80 percent—so it’s likely that the person who’s expecting a present from you is jobless or wanting to find a better-paying employment situation. This could be the most practical and realistic gift that you could give a friend or relative. Or maybe you yourself don’t have a job, right? So give yourself a present—go get your butt off the Facebook thang and find a friggin’ job!!!

[4] Cook a great DINNER. Whip out a special sumptuous gathering for 20 or 200—and declare it a Superspecial Party for her/him. Think of a costume motif: Superheroes, 30s era, polyester years, animal get-ups, witches ball etc etc etc. And cook the dishes, I mean—Armenian Easy Broiled Mackerel, Baby Bok Choy with Garlic, Bourbon Chicken, Bamboo Shoots on Coconut Milk. Be creative—chuck the usual breaded pork chops and mashed taters. Because this entails budget, you may require your party guests to bring gifts for her/him and for each other, like good old exchange gift-giving gig, got my drift?

[5] A gift that you feel is some stuff and thing that’ll make him/her HAPPY (depends on what’s their profession, persuasion, guilty pleasure, eccentricity etc). That’s what the entire deal all about, anyways—make the person happy! So, this time—try not to be so freakin’ politically-correct, killjoy-philosophical, or a some sort of whiny master of relevance… like you just read a mind-altering Utne Reader article or gotten off from a fiery activist gathering in a downtown bookstore/café… You know what I’m saying, bro? Yup—you may score (if you can reasonably afford them) an Amazon Kindle e-book reader (am I inconsistent!), iPad tablet computer, Van Cleef and Arpels jewelry, Titanium kitchen set, Black & Decker power tool, a Maserati Quattroporte V or a yacht (yes, a yacht!)… But then, in the case what you could realistically afford is a found treasure at a thrift store or Goodwill Outlet—so be it (just wrap it pretty nicely… sometimes, packaging and presentation do the trick).

[6] A PET. This is a personal revelation: babedawgs and koolcats touched my humanity this year. They are good company, especially when you coexist with dubious humans who can’t seem to settle down their ass or yap about anything at all on your exasperated face. Enough already! You see, animals don’t complain as much as whiny human beings do, and they don’t expect you to go fetch Kourtney Kardashian or Snooki Polizzi to cheer them up either… These cute superhomeys don’t expect you to walk upside down from the rooftop and down to your apartment unit to let them know you exist—they are not that stupid. They are cool living things, you know what I’m sayin’? Of course, you may expand your choices from babedawgs and koolcats to horses, birds, fishes, hamsters—but no pterodactyls, hippos, monkey-eating eagles, or anacondas. Okay?

[7] A prepaid MEMBERSHIP into something that you know may make him/her a better or peaceful person: yoga class, cooking class, exercise class, superheroes lovers class, scrapbookers class, bloggers class, contra dancing class, Eat Pray Love lovers class, hummus eaters class, meditation class, Rumi ruminators class, belly-flapper divers class etcetera. As long as the class is classy, you’re cool.

[8] A ROAD TRIP somewhere—just you and him/her. This could be a second/third/4th/101th honeymoon with your lovey-dovey or a long road drive with your daughter or son that you haven’t really done… Make up for lost time or just revive/rejuvenate the bonding. In between big city/small town stops, go watch an NBA game or a Broadway play, fish by the lake, visit a museum, marvel at Niagara Falls, or bungee jump at the Grand Canyon. You may reveal a long-kept secret (this maybe dramatic but make sure it’ll end up fine not both of you bruised and battered), propose a long-term union, suggest a collaborative project, unveil some sexuality ideas (hmmm….), whatever.

[9] A CD box set or a DVD collector’s pack. Nothing beats this GIFT SET, I tell you—this transcends age and lunacy, hormonal mood swings and madness-bouts. CD box sets from the Bee Gees’ “Mythology: The 50th Anniversary Collection” to Bruce Springsteen’s “The Promise: The Darkness on the Edge of Town Story” to “Sinatra: New York” to Miles Davis’ “Bitches Brew: 40th Anniversary Collector's Edition” to Franz Schubert, all-time jazz greats, The Chipmunks – go get `em! As for DVD collector’s packages—I recommend “Clint Eastwood: 35 Films 35 Years at Warner Brothers” (hints, hints, hints). This jewel is Eastwood’s entire filmography from “Where Eagles Dare” through “Gran Torino”: 35 films on 19 discs, including 16 two-sided discs. But, if you’re not a Clint Eastwood diehard like yours truly, well… go get some 4-in-1 $5 junk at Wal-Mart, instead (just kidding).

[10] YOURSELF. Be present… Just for the entire 24 hours on this special day, chuck the cellphone, stupid texting, Facebooking (uhh… uh, well), cable TV surfing, whining, ranting, complaining—and just be with the one/s you love. Enough said.

--Pasckie The Dude

TEN WAYS that you could try to have a chance near a woman’s heart...

(not necessarily in order...)
[1] DON’T IMPRESS with MATERIAL EXCESS. You know what I mean—a fancy car, Harley-Davidson, Brooks Brothers coat/tie, Rolex, or knockout iMac may catch her attention for sometime… but these get so old and boring so quickly even before you realized you’ve just maxed out your AmEx. Besides, a lady who’s after bombastic wheels and Platinum credit cards aren’t really good long-term pursuits. You lose her as soon as the repo dude takes your BMW away… You know, there are times when an inexpensive three red roses, a poem scribbled on a notepad and placed on her windshield, a healthy dinner dish that you cooked yourself—go a long, long way…

[2] THE DYING ART of KISSING. Provided, you have just hurdled the initial barrier—and there’s a window of opportunity and blessing to kiss (uhh, make out), here’s my tip. Kiss like a swain, a sensitive romantico who patiently awaits for a full moon’s shade to serenade his muse and then kisses her hand first before her lips. Kiss like it’s always the first kiss of your life: No matter, whether you are 23 years old or 87 years young. Kiss like it’s the most beautifully intimate gift of man-woman intertwine. Kiss like—if you don’t do it right, you lose the heavenly chance to go anywhere beyond the couch.

[3] REMEMBER THE FIRST-TIMES. A failing memory won’t take you anywhere, I tell you. Do you know the name of the pizza parlor where you first shared a Honolulu Hawaiian Pizza? And don’t forget exactly what’s on it: sliced ham, bacon, pineapple and roasted red peppers with provolone cheese on a parmesan asiago crust? Domino’s, Pizza Hut, or Mellow Mushroom? Do you remember the shirt color and brand that she wore on your first date, the first sappy/mushy or slasher/gory movie that you both saw on a Multiplex? The name of her first-ever babedawg or koolcat, the name of her favorite niece from a second-cousin who’s married to an ex-Marine in Rhode Island and who moved 3 years ago to Charlotte, the name of her first sanitary napkin brand, the name of her first CD purchase or download buy? This is hard, can be ridiculous—but most women I know, value all these sentimental memorabilias, so keep a notebook handy always.

[4] MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. Some dudes engage in sex like it’s a war, an aggressive clash of attrition, a rough venue to release anger. Well, I don’t know about that—but what I know is that, most women wanna make love, you know what I mean? Hold, touch, cuddle, kiss—linger, explore, navigate. Rediscover her body like it’s the lush glory of the Amazon, an aftermidnight shower by Niagara Falls on a humid season… Adore and caress her body, like it’s the transcendent physicalization of love itself. Make love like tomorrow is not gonna happen, like it’s all that matters. Remember, it takes humongous patience and selfless love to make a lady satisfied in bed; don’t do a one-trick pony gig or a 3-minute blues-rock jam. This is the moment of your life, dude!

[5] ACCOMPLISH TASKS that may not be called “MASCULINE” or MACHO. Cook her dinner—COOK! Don’t score some nasty TV dinners or Chinese buffet deliveries. Cook like cooking is the undying art of human glory. Do laundry, buy groceries, wash dishes, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, brush her bathtub, iron her office dress, hang her coat, place her shoes where they should belong. All these—I REPEAT—are punctuated and intermissioned by cooking.

[6] TRY NOT TO ARGUE, LISTEN TO HER. Billy Joel once sang: “She’ll ask for the truth but she’ll never believe.” No matter. Just respond—don’t say, “I don’t know” or “I am busy.” Drop anything that you’re occupied with (may it be a Facebook post or a World Series game) and ask her, “What’s up?” Make her feel important, needed, beautiful. In case you get pissed with whatever she’s in the mood to fight about, keep your cool—maybe it’s just her hormones, monthly period, bills-payment day, or she just had a bad hair day. Take it easy. Don’t engage her but talk to her, listen to her—even though she has already told you that unforgettable summer camp horror story 1 million times already. A major blunder is—for you you head out the door and kill time at a bar, while she’s yelling at you.

[7] BE FUNNY. Make her laugh, make her relax those tired and weary bones—by making her laugh till her stomach ache for some loving. You can rant and rave about stuff and things but be sure to take a time out to crack one funny joke and more. I tell you, this is a guaranteed tip—done this a lot in the past and it took me to places in a woman’s heart… and hips.

[8] DO THINGS TOGETHER. Being together is being together (that is, if you are already dating)—but you can still try to be “together” even if you are not yet there. Bring a cool DVD movie to her apartment, watch it together on a candlelit room, or sit down with her over two hours of “Dancing with the Stars,” The Barefoot Contessa or HGTV. Accompany her in shopping—push the cart, make good buy suggestions, carry her humongous grocery load, open the car door, fill up the gas. Of course, don’t ever forget that going out to dinner—after a night at the opera—works good, as well. That’s the perfect time to hand her a really lovely love poetry or a cassette tape of a song that you wrote for her and recorded in your bathroom.

[9] EVERYTHING in MODERATION. Women (or sane humans) don’t like addicts of any kind. You don’t need to be an extreme “perfect” dude who doesn’t touch a bottle of PBR or smoked a weed in your life. Don’t give her bullshit. Just be real and considerate. Don’t get drunk, stoned, or reeking with nicotine. These are no-no, lose-lose deals. That’s the father of all fuck-ups, okay?

[10] OPTIONAL (apply when necessary). HAVE a pet BABEDAWG or KOOLCAT… You know what I am saying?

--Pasckie The Dude