Thursday, May 26, 2011

FIVE SUGGESTIONS to those who just broke up, separated, or divorced…

[1] First in line: DON’T DATE on the rebound. Or even try to hook up with a sexual partner just because you seem to be lonely, depressed or wanting validation or revenge—after you kicked him/her out the door or after you walked away. Sexual intimacy is not a drugstore prescription or a diet pill—although most people look at it that way. Provided one of the major reasons for your break-up is lack of romantic activity in the bedroom, finding someone to fix that right after giving up—is the stupidest move you’d ever do. You’ll know why, if you haven’t yet.

[2] Spend time with LOVED ONES: Parents, sisters and brothers, and most especially—your kids. Take them to a long drive, camp for the weekend, hike or sail, be together. They want to know what’s up, they are very concerned if you’re okay, and dad/mom is okay, too… Respond to their questions, listen—more than you expound your reasons for breaking up. This time, it’s not about you or him/her—it’s them. Don’t defend yourself or throw the blame on your partner, just make the kids feel and believe that it’s not their fault, and that, there is hope in the horizon despite the estrangement.

[3] TAKE A BREAK, alone. Travel to a faraway city or town—or country—where no one knows you. Go to a place where no one will make you feel sorry, blamed, angry, vindictive, vengeful, or triumphant—about your breakup. It’s a breakup and it needs to go… Reflect more on positive areas of your newly-acquired freedom. Don’t dwell on the bad stuff. Better be, go to a totally new world, new culture, new realities—and explore new possibilities, rediscover your inner peace and quiet. Don’t try to solicit confirmation or acceptance from a furious jilted lovers club that turns misery into a war of attrition between sexes and allow your fate to be a burning case study for sexual politics. Your case is simple but true: It didn’t work. It’s not his/her mess or yours. It just didn’t work, period.

[4] Navigate your CREATIVE humanity. There are a lot of wonderful things to do and accomplish in life than spend or throw it away by whining with a broken hearts convergence army. Quit weeping and cursing alone in front of a daytime soap opera with Krispy Kremes on hand or soak your midnights with a grainy b-movie, drowning your sorrows with Smirnoff. Instead—write a book, start a blog, paint a mural, compose an opera, dig up your backyard and build a garden, organize a band, produce a concert, develop a recipe line or throw a backyard party or tea afternoon for friends, think of a business, hold a workshop for kids, gather friends to a dance hall each weekend – do these with the thought that, at last, no one is there in the shadows watching your every move, controlling your decisions, arguing your strategies, or getting jealous with people around you. Most importantly, do something that isn’t a disguised attack on your ex—ie don’t write a blog or record a song that you actually wrote hoping he/she’d read or hear it. Come on, let it go! SNAP OUT OF IT!

[5] BE BEAUTIFUL, just the way you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you need to lose weight or gain weight, work up some muscles, cut your hair, fix your skin, buy new clothes? Be beautiful, be fit, be healthy. Bottomline, in whatever shape and situation you’re in, just be happy with yourself. It’s not Dr Phil or your bestfriend bar buddy or your patronizing neighbor or Jenny Craig or The Situation who’s gonna tell you you’re lovely or good-looking, it’s you. Life is cool, living is great—and love will be waiting for you somewhere out there. But don’t rush, build friendships, enjoy your moments. Be cool. Smile and say, “Oh yeah!” Live good, love good—and eat only good food.

Monday, May 2, 2011

THINGS TO DO when your internet connect—and Facebook, Twitter, all e-baubles—falter or conk out…

[1] It’s okay, things will be fine… TAKE A DEEP 20-SECOND BREATH, and heave—ahhhh!!! And then, think of all the good stuff and things there were before we all willingly—albeit entrancingly—severed our umbilical cord from life and living’s pristineness. Those days of yore when smoke signals were text messages, drumming or banjo pickings were ringtones, roosters’ sweet barkings were digital alarm clocks, and human yells across hills or over picket fences were Blackberry calls… Those days when social networking was a rollickin’ banter at Mr Robinson’s barber shop or at a basketball court in the `hood or at the Saturday evening benefit dance at the town plaza. Yes, things will be fine—hold that scream and drink Diet Mountain Dew. This is not the end of the world.
[2] There is a place called PUBLIC LIBRARY, you know that? Do you have a lib card? Yes, I know—most likely, you’d be queued with grizzly-bearded, homeless looking AA denizens, and you’re only allowed an hour per usage of public computers, and—okay now, there’s no porno surfing or YoVille games here… But this would also usher you around shelves and shelves of good books to read. Browse around, check out newspapers, Sports Illustrated, Atlantic Monthly, or Utne Reader—these are awesome reads, you know what I’m sayin’? You may even love the place! And totally quit the Net. You know what I’m saying?

[3] DANCE a chicken dance, run around your `hood a-la Rocky or Manny Pacquiao, with Bill Conti’s “Gonna Fly Now” on your headgear—sweat it out. You can do it… While running, say this mantra: “My internet will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon, will be back soon…” If that doesn’t work—uhh, well. Recheck your last cable bill or account statement. Maybe you haven’t paid yet obligations yet? Figure it out.

[4] What’s the point with staring at your laptop’s lifeless black and blue screen—when it’s not reacting at all? Do something. COOK! A lot of foul Friday night moods, hormonal imbalance, or just plain bitchiness are cured by an awesome, super-delicious dinner. So don’t sulk over a Facebook password that has been “compromised” (aka hacked) or an iPhone that isn’t part of mom’s monthly budget streamlining program anymore. Whip out that wok and attack the kitchen!

[5] MEDITATE… Close your eyes, slide to a lotus or crane posture – or praying mantis or brooding pterodactyl position, whatever fits you—and say: “Jai guru deva om… baba nam kevalam… praise The Lord, hallelujah!” Whatever suits you. Better be, go to church, temple, or kirtan convergence—and feel the communal vibe, the enlightening wavelength, crush all your hedonistic/self-aggrandizing paradigms with the immaculate sentience of life and love’s ethereal bliss, whatever rocks you, my friend. Voila! When you open your eyes, you may as well be a new lump of glorious atomic chakra. You may just say, in a super-low, meek and ahimsaic voice: “Ahh, what do you mean, laptop? Facebook, Twitter? I don’t see them in my plane of being… I am The One in me, the universal entity… jai guru deva om. Where is my hummus dinner?”

[6] Sweet, glorious animals—especially BABEDAWGS and KOOLCATS—are awesome companions, especially when you’re about to crack up by virtue of your stunning internet withdrawal. Unlike human beings, babedawgs/koolcats don’t really bark back at you when you start bitchin’ and cussin’ and all that messed up state of (in)sanity. They just stare back at you and may even interpret your bizarre actuations as an invite to play catch ball or frisbee. After awhile, you’d probably tell yourself: “Ah, look at these animals. They don’t need an email address or Facebook account to live or enjoy life, they are cool… I wish I am a babedawg myself… woof!”

[7] Engage in a CONVERSATION with any sensible/sensitive human. This, of course, is a temporary solution that applies only to those who don’t have health insurance for a shrink appointment or don’t have babedawgs and koolcats to chat with… A conversation may turn out to be really creative and productive, and maybe—just maybe—your conversation partner may be able to loan you a few bucks so you could finally pay your cable connect… right?