Monday, November 8, 2010

TEN WAYS that you could try to have a chance near a woman’s heart...

(not necessarily in order...)
[1] DON’T IMPRESS with MATERIAL EXCESS. You know what I mean—a fancy car, Harley-Davidson, Brooks Brothers coat/tie, Rolex, or knockout iMac may catch her attention for sometime… but these get so old and boring so quickly even before you realized you’ve just maxed out your AmEx. Besides, a lady who’s after bombastic wheels and Platinum credit cards aren’t really good long-term pursuits. You lose her as soon as the repo dude takes your BMW away… You know, there are times when an inexpensive three red roses, a poem scribbled on a notepad and placed on her windshield, a healthy dinner dish that you cooked yourself—go a long, long way…

[2] THE DYING ART of KISSING. Provided, you have just hurdled the initial barrier—and there’s a window of opportunity and blessing to kiss (uhh, make out), here’s my tip. Kiss like a swain, a sensitive romantico who patiently awaits for a full moon’s shade to serenade his muse and then kisses her hand first before her lips. Kiss like it’s always the first kiss of your life: No matter, whether you are 23 years old or 87 years young. Kiss like it’s the most beautifully intimate gift of man-woman intertwine. Kiss like—if you don’t do it right, you lose the heavenly chance to go anywhere beyond the couch.

[3] REMEMBER THE FIRST-TIMES. A failing memory won’t take you anywhere, I tell you. Do you know the name of the pizza parlor where you first shared a Honolulu Hawaiian Pizza? And don’t forget exactly what’s on it: sliced ham, bacon, pineapple and roasted red peppers with provolone cheese on a parmesan asiago crust? Domino’s, Pizza Hut, or Mellow Mushroom? Do you remember the shirt color and brand that she wore on your first date, the first sappy/mushy or slasher/gory movie that you both saw on a Multiplex? The name of her first-ever babedawg or koolcat, the name of her favorite niece from a second-cousin who’s married to an ex-Marine in Rhode Island and who moved 3 years ago to Charlotte, the name of her first sanitary napkin brand, the name of her first CD purchase or download buy? This is hard, can be ridiculous—but most women I know, value all these sentimental memorabilias, so keep a notebook handy always.

[4] MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. Some dudes engage in sex like it’s a war, an aggressive clash of attrition, a rough venue to release anger. Well, I don’t know about that—but what I know is that, most women wanna make love, you know what I mean? Hold, touch, cuddle, kiss—linger, explore, navigate. Rediscover her body like it’s the lush glory of the Amazon, an aftermidnight shower by Niagara Falls on a humid season… Adore and caress her body, like it’s the transcendent physicalization of love itself. Make love like tomorrow is not gonna happen, like it’s all that matters. Remember, it takes humongous patience and selfless love to make a lady satisfied in bed; don’t do a one-trick pony gig or a 3-minute blues-rock jam. This is the moment of your life, dude!

[5] ACCOMPLISH TASKS that may not be called “MASCULINE” or MACHO. Cook her dinner—COOK! Don’t score some nasty TV dinners or Chinese buffet deliveries. Cook like cooking is the undying art of human glory. Do laundry, buy groceries, wash dishes, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, brush her bathtub, iron her office dress, hang her coat, place her shoes where they should belong. All these—I REPEAT—are punctuated and intermissioned by cooking.

[6] TRY NOT TO ARGUE, LISTEN TO HER. Billy Joel once sang: “She’ll ask for the truth but she’ll never believe.” No matter. Just respond—don’t say, “I don’t know” or “I am busy.” Drop anything that you’re occupied with (may it be a Facebook post or a World Series game) and ask her, “What’s up?” Make her feel important, needed, beautiful. In case you get pissed with whatever she’s in the mood to fight about, keep your cool—maybe it’s just her hormones, monthly period, bills-payment day, or she just had a bad hair day. Take it easy. Don’t engage her but talk to her, listen to her—even though she has already told you that unforgettable summer camp horror story 1 million times already. A major blunder is—for you you head out the door and kill time at a bar, while she’s yelling at you.

[7] BE FUNNY. Make her laugh, make her relax those tired and weary bones—by making her laugh till her stomach ache for some loving. You can rant and rave about stuff and things but be sure to take a time out to crack one funny joke and more. I tell you, this is a guaranteed tip—done this a lot in the past and it took me to places in a woman’s heart… and hips.

[8] DO THINGS TOGETHER. Being together is being together (that is, if you are already dating)—but you can still try to be “together” even if you are not yet there. Bring a cool DVD movie to her apartment, watch it together on a candlelit room, or sit down with her over two hours of “Dancing with the Stars,” The Barefoot Contessa or HGTV. Accompany her in shopping—push the cart, make good buy suggestions, carry her humongous grocery load, open the car door, fill up the gas. Of course, don’t ever forget that going out to dinner—after a night at the opera—works good, as well. That’s the perfect time to hand her a really lovely love poetry or a cassette tape of a song that you wrote for her and recorded in your bathroom.

[9] EVERYTHING in MODERATION. Women (or sane humans) don’t like addicts of any kind. You don’t need to be an extreme “perfect” dude who doesn’t touch a bottle of PBR or smoked a weed in your life. Don’t give her bullshit. Just be real and considerate. Don’t get drunk, stoned, or reeking with nicotine. These are no-no, lose-lose deals. That’s the father of all fuck-ups, okay?

[10] OPTIONAL (apply when necessary). HAVE a pet BABEDAWG or KOOLCAT… You know what I am saying?

--Pasckie The Dude