Friday, December 10, 2010

SUPERCOOL GIFT IDEAS—for relations, family, friends (any occasion)…

[1] BOOKS. Really good old ones—say, “Of Mice and Men” by John Steinbeck or “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee, or kinda heavy stuff that has immediate relevance these days… I’m talking about, for example, a Howard Zinn book or futurist author Alvin Toffler’s trilogy on digital age, communication revolution, information overload, and technological singularity: “Future Shock,” “The Third Wave,” and “Powershift.” Or, maybe try neat easy-readings like a collection of Calvin and Hobbes or Marvel Superheroes Comics… Or, why not go for revered poetry in the likes of Pablo Neruda’s “Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada” ("Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair"), and although I am not necessarily talking about “Delta of Venus” by Anais Nin, cool erotica isn’t bad at all. (NOTE: I am strongly admonishing you NOT to dabble on e-books… or books read via a Kindle, or whatever it is where people read books these days, nah! Well, buy a Kindle but still—send the real stuff with a real book cover and real paper pages, guys!)

[2] A SPIRITUAL book. Whether you agree with me or not (oh well!), I believe that humanity has either lost or mixed up its concept or understanding of universal good and evil in the light of the current man vs machine “conventional wisdom” (if there is such a thing). Why not read back and reflect “the good book”—may it be The Holy Bible, Quran, Bhagavad Gita… The receiver may be an atheist, pagan, wiccan, anarchist, Taoist/Buddhist, or a DOC (Divine Order of The Cool)—it doesn’t really matter. Good is good, and bad is bad—but let’s (re)check things out and ponder a bit. Let’s look back to where humanity’s reflexes and responses were first anchored. Are you with me, Bob?

[3] A JOB. Last time I checked, unemployment rate in the United States was pegged at 9.80 percent—so it’s likely that the person who’s expecting a present from you is jobless or wanting to find a better-paying employment situation. This could be the most practical and realistic gift that you could give a friend or relative. Or maybe you yourself don’t have a job, right? So give yourself a present—go get your butt off the Facebook thang and find a friggin’ job!!!

[4] Cook a great DINNER. Whip out a special sumptuous gathering for 20 or 200—and declare it a Superspecial Party for her/him. Think of a costume motif: Superheroes, 30s era, polyester years, animal get-ups, witches ball etc etc etc. And cook the dishes, I mean—Armenian Easy Broiled Mackerel, Baby Bok Choy with Garlic, Bourbon Chicken, Bamboo Shoots on Coconut Milk. Be creative—chuck the usual breaded pork chops and mashed taters. Because this entails budget, you may require your party guests to bring gifts for her/him and for each other, like good old exchange gift-giving gig, got my drift?

[5] A gift that you feel is some stuff and thing that’ll make him/her HAPPY (depends on what’s their profession, persuasion, guilty pleasure, eccentricity etc). That’s what the entire deal all about, anyways—make the person happy! So, this time—try not to be so freakin’ politically-correct, killjoy-philosophical, or a some sort of whiny master of relevance… like you just read a mind-altering Utne Reader article or gotten off from a fiery activist gathering in a downtown bookstore/café… You know what I’m saying, bro? Yup—you may score (if you can reasonably afford them) an Amazon Kindle e-book reader (am I inconsistent!), iPad tablet computer, Van Cleef and Arpels jewelry, Titanium kitchen set, Black & Decker power tool, a Maserati Quattroporte V or a yacht (yes, a yacht!)… But then, in the case what you could realistically afford is a found treasure at a thrift store or Goodwill Outlet—so be it (just wrap it pretty nicely… sometimes, packaging and presentation do the trick).

[6] A PET. This is a personal revelation: babedawgs and koolcats touched my humanity this year. They are good company, especially when you coexist with dubious humans who can’t seem to settle down their ass or yap about anything at all on your exasperated face. Enough already! You see, animals don’t complain as much as whiny human beings do, and they don’t expect you to go fetch Kourtney Kardashian or Snooki Polizzi to cheer them up either… These cute superhomeys don’t expect you to walk upside down from the rooftop and down to your apartment unit to let them know you exist—they are not that stupid. They are cool living things, you know what I’m sayin’? Of course, you may expand your choices from babedawgs and koolcats to horses, birds, fishes, hamsters—but no pterodactyls, hippos, monkey-eating eagles, or anacondas. Okay?

[7] A prepaid MEMBERSHIP into something that you know may make him/her a better or peaceful person: yoga class, cooking class, exercise class, superheroes lovers class, scrapbookers class, bloggers class, contra dancing class, Eat Pray Love lovers class, hummus eaters class, meditation class, Rumi ruminators class, belly-flapper divers class etcetera. As long as the class is classy, you’re cool.

[8] A ROAD TRIP somewhere—just you and him/her. This could be a second/third/4th/101th honeymoon with your lovey-dovey or a long road drive with your daughter or son that you haven’t really done… Make up for lost time or just revive/rejuvenate the bonding. In between big city/small town stops, go watch an NBA game or a Broadway play, fish by the lake, visit a museum, marvel at Niagara Falls, or bungee jump at the Grand Canyon. You may reveal a long-kept secret (this maybe dramatic but make sure it’ll end up fine not both of you bruised and battered), propose a long-term union, suggest a collaborative project, unveil some sexuality ideas (hmmm….), whatever.

[9] A CD box set or a DVD collector’s pack. Nothing beats this GIFT SET, I tell you—this transcends age and lunacy, hormonal mood swings and madness-bouts. CD box sets from the Bee Gees’ “Mythology: The 50th Anniversary Collection” to Bruce Springsteen’s “The Promise: The Darkness on the Edge of Town Story” to “Sinatra: New York” to Miles Davis’ “Bitches Brew: 40th Anniversary Collector's Edition” to Franz Schubert, all-time jazz greats, The Chipmunks – go get `em! As for DVD collector’s packages—I recommend “Clint Eastwood: 35 Films 35 Years at Warner Brothers” (hints, hints, hints). This jewel is Eastwood’s entire filmography from “Where Eagles Dare” through “Gran Torino”: 35 films on 19 discs, including 16 two-sided discs. But, if you’re not a Clint Eastwood diehard like yours truly, well… go get some 4-in-1 $5 junk at Wal-Mart, instead (just kidding).

[10] YOURSELF. Be present… Just for the entire 24 hours on this special day, chuck the cellphone, stupid texting, Facebooking (uhh… uh, well), cable TV surfing, whining, ranting, complaining—and just be with the one/s you love. Enough said.

--Pasckie The Dude

Monday, November 8, 2010

TEN WAYS that you could try to have a chance near a woman’s heart...

(not necessarily in order...)
[1] DON’T IMPRESS with MATERIAL EXCESS. You know what I mean—a fancy car, Harley-Davidson, Brooks Brothers coat/tie, Rolex, or knockout iMac may catch her attention for sometime… but these get so old and boring so quickly even before you realized you’ve just maxed out your AmEx. Besides, a lady who’s after bombastic wheels and Platinum credit cards aren’t really good long-term pursuits. You lose her as soon as the repo dude takes your BMW away… You know, there are times when an inexpensive three red roses, a poem scribbled on a notepad and placed on her windshield, a healthy dinner dish that you cooked yourself—go a long, long way…

[2] THE DYING ART of KISSING. Provided, you have just hurdled the initial barrier—and there’s a window of opportunity and blessing to kiss (uhh, make out), here’s my tip. Kiss like a swain, a sensitive romantico who patiently awaits for a full moon’s shade to serenade his muse and then kisses her hand first before her lips. Kiss like it’s always the first kiss of your life: No matter, whether you are 23 years old or 87 years young. Kiss like it’s the most beautifully intimate gift of man-woman intertwine. Kiss like—if you don’t do it right, you lose the heavenly chance to go anywhere beyond the couch.

[3] REMEMBER THE FIRST-TIMES. A failing memory won’t take you anywhere, I tell you. Do you know the name of the pizza parlor where you first shared a Honolulu Hawaiian Pizza? And don’t forget exactly what’s on it: sliced ham, bacon, pineapple and roasted red peppers with provolone cheese on a parmesan asiago crust? Domino’s, Pizza Hut, or Mellow Mushroom? Do you remember the shirt color and brand that she wore on your first date, the first sappy/mushy or slasher/gory movie that you both saw on a Multiplex? The name of her first-ever babedawg or koolcat, the name of her favorite niece from a second-cousin who’s married to an ex-Marine in Rhode Island and who moved 3 years ago to Charlotte, the name of her first sanitary napkin brand, the name of her first CD purchase or download buy? This is hard, can be ridiculous—but most women I know, value all these sentimental memorabilias, so keep a notebook handy always.

[4] MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. Some dudes engage in sex like it’s a war, an aggressive clash of attrition, a rough venue to release anger. Well, I don’t know about that—but what I know is that, most women wanna make love, you know what I mean? Hold, touch, cuddle, kiss—linger, explore, navigate. Rediscover her body like it’s the lush glory of the Amazon, an aftermidnight shower by Niagara Falls on a humid season… Adore and caress her body, like it’s the transcendent physicalization of love itself. Make love like tomorrow is not gonna happen, like it’s all that matters. Remember, it takes humongous patience and selfless love to make a lady satisfied in bed; don’t do a one-trick pony gig or a 3-minute blues-rock jam. This is the moment of your life, dude!

[5] ACCOMPLISH TASKS that may not be called “MASCULINE” or MACHO. Cook her dinner—COOK! Don’t score some nasty TV dinners or Chinese buffet deliveries. Cook like cooking is the undying art of human glory. Do laundry, buy groceries, wash dishes, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, brush her bathtub, iron her office dress, hang her coat, place her shoes where they should belong. All these—I REPEAT—are punctuated and intermissioned by cooking.

[6] TRY NOT TO ARGUE, LISTEN TO HER. Billy Joel once sang: “She’ll ask for the truth but she’ll never believe.” No matter. Just respond—don’t say, “I don’t know” or “I am busy.” Drop anything that you’re occupied with (may it be a Facebook post or a World Series game) and ask her, “What’s up?” Make her feel important, needed, beautiful. In case you get pissed with whatever she’s in the mood to fight about, keep your cool—maybe it’s just her hormones, monthly period, bills-payment day, or she just had a bad hair day. Take it easy. Don’t engage her but talk to her, listen to her—even though she has already told you that unforgettable summer camp horror story 1 million times already. A major blunder is—for you you head out the door and kill time at a bar, while she’s yelling at you.

[7] BE FUNNY. Make her laugh, make her relax those tired and weary bones—by making her laugh till her stomach ache for some loving. You can rant and rave about stuff and things but be sure to take a time out to crack one funny joke and more. I tell you, this is a guaranteed tip—done this a lot in the past and it took me to places in a woman’s heart… and hips.

[8] DO THINGS TOGETHER. Being together is being together (that is, if you are already dating)—but you can still try to be “together” even if you are not yet there. Bring a cool DVD movie to her apartment, watch it together on a candlelit room, or sit down with her over two hours of “Dancing with the Stars,” The Barefoot Contessa or HGTV. Accompany her in shopping—push the cart, make good buy suggestions, carry her humongous grocery load, open the car door, fill up the gas. Of course, don’t ever forget that going out to dinner—after a night at the opera—works good, as well. That’s the perfect time to hand her a really lovely love poetry or a cassette tape of a song that you wrote for her and recorded in your bathroom.

[9] EVERYTHING in MODERATION. Women (or sane humans) don’t like addicts of any kind. You don’t need to be an extreme “perfect” dude who doesn’t touch a bottle of PBR or smoked a weed in your life. Don’t give her bullshit. Just be real and considerate. Don’t get drunk, stoned, or reeking with nicotine. These are no-no, lose-lose deals. That’s the father of all fuck-ups, okay?

[10] OPTIONAL (apply when necessary). HAVE a pet BABEDAWG or KOOLCAT… You know what I am saying?

--Pasckie The Dude

Sunday, October 24, 2010

REASONS Why Some Women are More Interesting...

[1] She doesn’t make too much effort trying so hard to sound interesting and attractive. She doesn’t compete with whoever’s attention (man or woman) and she doesn’t heed the latest fad or fashion just to keep up with the “competition.” She believes she’s cool and… deal with it! She’s the kind of woman who believes she’s most beautiful right after jumping off the bed in the morning—hair in disarray, half-naked, “un-made,” enticingly grumpy, and sleepy eyes… 29 years old or 72 years young, and whatever shape her lustre and beauty is in--she's a woman who could launch a thousand ships and delay bullet trains.

[2] The way she moves—not really the sex vixen, purry catwoman moves… which is pretty obvious and contrived. Just that sure, confident, unaffected move. Posture, poise, subtlety, grit, grace. Some mysterious amazon who’d look you in the eyes and pierce your soul--without really staring at you.

[3] She says NO. The woman who says no to a man with a straight face and tells him, NO! without explanation is the renegade spirit with a mission… A woman who doesn’t easily fall for a man’s usually outdated advances or pick up lines is a woman who could take you to heaven with just a wave of her hands. Yes, a woman who walks the talk, and speaks her mind… irrelevant whether the man talks more—she knows how to shut his pie hole without arguing.

[4] A woman who takes control but willing to relegate the steering wheel to a man when she needs to, or vice versa, depends on circumstances. A woman who regards relationships are not man versus woman war of the sexes but a working synergy of two human beings with diverse body chemistry but parallel wavelengths.

[5] She makes a stand and defends it by showing how it’s done in practice than rhetoric. It doesn’t really matter whether she’s Left or Right, conservative or radical (she doesn’t oblige to categorical isms). What matters is she sticks to her beliefs and convictions and happy living it—because, for her, the universal good and bad is inherent in the human heart whether you are female or male, gay or straight, ideological blue or political orange.

[6] A woman who smiles with her eyes and laughs with her brain… and makes love with her heart.

[7] A woman who cooks for two. I mean, a woman who—instead of asking a man, “What do you want me to cook?” will instead say, “This is what I like to cook, wanna try it?” I just love watching a woman rule the kitchen: hair tied up, white knee-high skirt, apron, sweaty forehead, chopping onions with ferocious ease, juggling spices and herbs like a wicked sorceress hissing sweet mysteries off the wok … and dancing to a full moon’s bossa nova like only the stars and butterflies are watching.

--Pasckie The Dude

[art credit: Peter Paul Rubens]

Thursday, August 5, 2010

THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT CONSIDER: “… when you feel you are in love again.”

[Actual practice doesn’t come easy, but still—it’s good to know that we can always try]
[1] JUST LET IT FLOW. Don’t justify or rationalize or “confirm” your feelings. Take it easy, let it flow. Don’t panic and subject your heart in a sort of Grand Inquisition chamber: Am I really in love or I am just horny, or I am just lonely, or I just dig his/her new hairdo? Or don’t counter-interrogate yourself, like—“Is he/she just a reflection of my past? Good shit now, but all SHIT the next?” Come on! Past is past—the present is here and now. And the future is something lovely to realistically dream about... Don’t look for faults and mistakes—sad, bad reflections of your past relationships and broken valentines—with the person you are with right now. Today is a new page, he or she and both of you are a new story to explore, navigate and rediscover. Give each other a chance to be better human beings. Do something different: Bungee jump together tied on pink ropes, or something. Body-paint each other atop a water tank in Hell, Indiana or Mt Kilimanjaro... just do it.

[2] TRANSLATE THE SURGE OF EMOTION INTO SOMETHING CREATIVE. Don’t daydream, hon. He/she is as human as hands trembling and letting go a glass fall and break. Her body has bumps and scars that could exude a new, sweet layer of warmth… your hands and legs have assumed a frail stride that may also mean a new set of tenderness by a park bench. Capture these like you seize the moments and keep them in you. Paint, write songs, cook new recipes, feed people, romance the earth, feel the wind caressing your hair. This is the moment, savor it. But do it because it’s about you and him/her for the world. Don’t believe in mushy crap like, “You and Me Against the World.” That’s nonsense!

[3] LEARN TO WALTZ AND BOOGIE (in bed and beyond). Sweat it out, let love’s juices flow. Yup, they flow really good in the dead of night as the moon’s little eyes of light shine in between the cracks of your bedroom window and the music of the stream flowing or the incessant rain cadence with your naked bodies communicating, feeding, healing, consuming each other… But beyond the bedroom intimacy, go out—run/jog, play basketball or few rounds of pool, dance and boogie to Chuck Berry or the Rolling Stones. Sweat the love juices out… then replenish them over and over and over again.

[4] BE PRACTICAL, CHECK YOUR DEBIT CARD. Now listen, love is not all or 100 percent heartwarming romanticism. Reality is, there are material/financial matters in life that go with love and loving. These days are dire economic times but you are not finding someone to help you pay the bills… but you are (also) looking for someone to ease your worried mind and make things a bit manageable. Not just someone who is always there to massage your tired foot and your aching back or kiss your tears to dry… but someone you can run to when Wachovia or Wells Fargo start acting like the way they are, legal thieves. Life like love is real.

[5] LISTEN THAN SPEAK. Love can only grow than wilt away. Love is beautiful because it is a two-way street, a synergy of wavelengths, a communication continuum. Listen to what she/he’s got to say. Let things flow (the magic word)… you and him/her together is not an organizational meeting. It is the “feel” of the moment that ushers talking/speaking/listening. You can email, if that suits you better… or you can drive up Blue Ridge Parkway and talk/listen. That is being together – ie dinners, laundry gigs, cooking etc – matter a lot.

. Go camping, make a 50 miles drive, build a bonfire, watch a festival of bands, interact with the world with her. Don’t squeeze all the lovin’ inside the bedroom… that’ll subside and go into a “sweet seisure” (to paraphrase Joseph Campbell) before it rewinds again and go into its 2nd (3rd/4th etc etc) wind. It is also kinda stressful to be inside the house always… go to Hot Springs, for example—or camp somewhere beside the French Broad River. Anywhere together where the wind and the breeze and the rain and snow and sunshine keep you company is all good.

[7] AFTER THE HOT KISSES AND WARM HOLDING SUBSIDE A BIT… talk about realism more than starry-eyed-musings about romanticism. What is it that needs to be “changed” or improved on as individuals and as a couple. Be honest. Don’t afraid to admit that you used to dine on deep-fried wahoos or sleeps upside down like a bat on hangover, or maybe you are shy to admit that you have a collection of Bee Gees or KC & The Sunshine Band records and dresses up like Grandmaster Flash when depressed… or whatever it is that you may find embarrassing or “inappropriate.” He or she will understand because love has its own special way of making things work out. You two just’ve to have to honest and sincere.

[8] COMMUNICATE MORE, SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER. See each other more, if you can help it. Presence is like water to a seed. Love isn’t there yet as a full-blown or blossomed rose, it’s just a seed right now—but there are no plants or trees without seeds. The seed of love—that sweet, little tingle that tickles your insides… that is good. Water it, nurture it—be together. This is apart from the cellphone calls, text message/s, Instant Messenger chats, emails, Skype video chats. But you should know how to keep a handle of your pace… you know when you are overdoing or underdoing it.

Bestfriends are cool, a how-to tip from Cosmopolitan is cool, a suggestion from your pet dog or cat is cool, Judge Judy’s advice is cool, a visit to your shrink is cool, too—but it’s the ultimate cool to talk to God. It is you conversing with your inner humanity… love is transcendent, love is healing time, life is the future. God will guide you.

[10] FACEBOOK IT. Don’t announce it to the world, just send out little ticklish silly funny hints that you are just feeling so cool inside you feel like breakdancing to “Play That Funky Music” amidst an autumn rain falling in the mud (nah, not the Tom Cruise kinda trick, that’s no really good for ya). But you know what I mean. Once in a little while, take a break from the rants and raves—like maybe allow a page or two—to send out silly love songs than an angry slew of sociopolitical vitriols. Despite the trials and tribulations, shortcomings and shit—life and living are still gifts of humanity. Enjoy! When you feel like you are falling in love… fall like a freefalling leaf touching the inviting earth, don’t fall like a piano coming down a 7th floor window down to the cold pavement. Dig?

--Pasckie The Superhomey